The SAFE Formula

(From Out of the Shadows by Carnes)

Sexual addicts, unlike alcoholics or drug abusers have a fundamental human drive as the object of their addiction. Unlike an alcoholic or drug addict, the sex addict cannot simply eliminate sex from their lives without disrupting their ability to maintain a normal healthy relationship. The sex addict is often confused by where to draw the line between addiction and normal relationships. Cairnes offers the SAFE formula as a way of understanding the nature of compulsive sexual behavior.

· Secret. Sex addicts need to hide their sexual behavior from others or need to create a double life for themselves.

· Abusive. The sexual behavior of a sex addict is abusive to themselves or other people. Compulsive sexual behavior is exploitive, degrading, or harmful in nature.

· Feelings, that are negative (e.g. boredom, anger, hurt, fear or pain) are avoided or altered through the use of sex.

· Empty of caring and commitment in the context of the relationship.

We can see then, from this formula that a healthy relationship is one that is not secret, but known to everyone in the addict’s life. There are no double lives or relationships that must be kept secret for someone in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is one that is not abusive, exploitive, degrading or harmful to anyone. Feelings in a healthy relationship are communicated in a direct, honest, caring and respectful fashion. A healthy relationship is one that is caring and committed.

Carnes, Patrick (2001). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Hazelden Press, Center City, Minn. p.189.

Contact Information

For More Information, please contact Jacob Spilman at:

Telephone: (503) 227-3187
Postal address: Spilman & Associates LLC, 833 SW 11th Avenue Suite 218, Portland OR 97205
Electronic mail: General Information: jacobspilman@msn.com; Send Page To a Friend

Join Our Mailing List

For Email Marketing you can trust